New Hedberg Discovery

Heard a quote from Mitch Hedberg that I’d never heard before today.

If I made orange juice I wouldn’t be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite. Like I wouldn’t print “Shake well” on the carton because you don’t know how well people can shake. I would write, “Shake to the best of your ability”. Then I’ll have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. “Alright, put it over here. Then put it over here. Then put it over here quicker.

Pure gold dude. I rofled when I heard this. Other favs:

I saw this girl on TV who was born with no arms. Like literally her hands were attached directly to her shoulders. And that was pretty sad. But then they said, ‘Lola doesn’t know the meaning of the word,”can’t,”‘ and I thought that was worse in a way. Because now not only does she not have any arms and legs, but she also can’t understand simple contractions. It ain’t that hard Lola. You take two words. You squish them together. You take out a couple of letters. You put a comma in there and you raise it up.


I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. Then when I finally walk in, the guy says to me, “Can I help you?” “Just practicing.”


When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? — people are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.


I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.


And the one I might consider my all time personal favorite:

I order the club sandwich all the time, and I’m not even a member, man! I don’t know how I get away with it. “I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.” “So do I.” “Well let’s form a club then.” “Ok but we need some more stiuplations.” “Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again.” “Yes, four triagles. And we will position them in a circle and in the middle we will dump chips.” “Or potato salad!” “Ok. Let me ask you a question. How do you feel about frilly toothpics?” “I’m for them!” “Well this club is formed.”

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